Holiness and the call to preach

A few days ago I had a strange vision, sort of. I saw, or perhaps it was just my imagination, that I was going out to preach, as I have long wanted to do, but have not had the courage or strength or guts or passion. I keep asking myself "Why don't I do this, since I want to do so and God has commanded it?" But this vision or thought came very strongly to my mind: When God answers this prayer, it will be all-consuming. He will not have me part-time, on contract, for a few hours per week. He will make this preaching become something that completely consumes me day and night. It will be as if I have lost myself in doing his work. My job will suffer, my family will feel neglected, my garden will be overgrown with weeds, and my debts will probably mount. But souls will hear the Gospel, and some will believe. Even if most do not believe, they will listen and will welcome me everywhere I go, inviting me here and there, until I am hardly able to keep up with the invitations.

This of course is only what I hope, what I envision, not what I actually want or expect. I see why I have been afraid to even preach openly one time: For once it begins, it will not be stoppable. If I give myself to God, he will have all of me, or none.

Lord, how can we claim to be Christians when we have no interest in or desire for holiness? No boldness t proclaim the Word of the Lord, no obedience to your calling? Lord, heal us from our sins and carnal wandering, to be holy to you, not legalistically rigorous, but devoted to please you, obey you, and have you with us always. Show me your truth.

Lord, I am truly tired of being outwardly harmonious, when inwardly there is cynicism and criticism for everything. Please cleanse me and purify my unclean lips, as you purified Isaiah. Anoint me to preach, Lord, here I am, send me.

He said, "Go and tell this people: " 'Be ever hearing, but never understanding; be ever seeing, but never perceiving.' Make the heart of this people calloused; make their ears dull and close their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed." Then I said, "For how long, O Lord?" And he answered: "Until the cities lie ruined and without inhabitant, until the houses are left deserted and the fields ruined and ravaged, until the LORD has sent everyone far away and the land is utterly forsaken. And though a tenth remains in the land, it will again be laid waste. But as the terebinth and oak leave stumps when they are cut down, so the holy seed will be the stump in the land."

Father, I want your word. Give it to me, please, that I may have it at least, and if you will embolden me, also give it to others. Bless Ireland, which has been laid waste, by raising up your remnant there. As America is likewise laid waste through the greed of evil men, please raise up a holy seed here. For Jesus' name's sake. Amen