Thoughts

So Jesus answered and said to them, "Have faith in God. For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says."  [Mar k 11:22,23]

I've gradually come to the painful conclusion that I am in no wise great.  For all the talk of greatness in my church, of doing great things by faith---and I have contributed much to such talk---it is increasingly obvious to me that, now 51 years of age, I am not destined for greatness.  Hopes to write symphonies and musicals have never moved me to actually compose.  Ideas for books and essays never work their way out of the brain and into the pen.  Ideas for planting churches have not borne fruit.  Even attempts to raise disciples have largely failed.  It's not for encouragement that I write this, neither for myself nor for you, dear reader.  But I despair of doing things the longer I live.  Young people are more unwilling than ever to learn from me, however much I imagine myself able to teach them.  I should not be surprised. None of it is original. It is merely the old story.

I am encouraged that in a small way I am able to participate in a mild revival at a local church here in Charlottesville.  I don't know what will come of it, but I am indeed thankful to be able to share in that work, mainly be helping out with worship and music.  And I am very grateful that the music I contribute is both appreciated and tolerated. For rather than complaints about it being "old music", or poorly prepared, or that I use organ rather than piano, and now piano rather than organ, it is truly welcomed by all, especially Mrs. "Philistine", who much prefers the organ, and most, who prefer "old" music (being mostly themselves old).

But when I think I have not preached the gospel much, and so many souls all around me are unchallenged by its glories, especially on college campuses, my heart weeps with shame: shame that I am, despite my big talk, so small in courage and obedience; shame that my compassion for the lost is so unlike my Lord Jesus; shame that still, after so many years following Him, what I will to do I do not, and what I will not to do I do.  How fine it is to listen to those who have planted churches and watched them grow, or fed many sheep and raised up missionaries and sent them out, or written beautiful songs, books and plays. How moved listen to others' marvelous sermons, esp. R.C. Sproul and Martyn Lloyd-Jones, only to find I am so unlike them in effort, faith, love, compassion and obedience.  Has the Lord given me so much, that I am spoiled and useless?  Am I not among the elect, whom He has indeed called?  Shall I face the judgment saying, "I wanted to do something, but didn't have enough of the Spirit's empowering to do anything.  Lord, it's your fault I did nothing with my life."?

No!  Rather, I must go and do for the Lord, whether I have the strength or no, trusting only that HE gives the increase, no matter who plants or waters or reaps.  I must plant, water, or perhaps reap, I don't know.  But I can no longer stand by idle. Even at the 11th hour, I must go and engage the work of my gracious Lord.

Lord, open the door for me to preach boldly and openly, as well as minister in the church, teach your word one-to-one, care for my family.  Lord, fill me with that wonderful knowledge of God which is the essence of faith.  Make your word burn like fire in my soul, until I may preach it without restraint or hesitation, though yet with fear and trembling, for the sake of those who have not heard, but must hear, and by hearing, also may believe in your Son.   In these Last Days, raise up others also who will go out and preach and teach your word, even at Calvary Baptist and other churches.  Save many, esp JK, SK, MK, AB, MS, and other UVa students. INJA