How does a Christian know if he is spiritual and, and as such, of no count to the world, or just useless in general?
If so great a prophet as Elijah was outcast, hiding out in the wilderness by a creek for three and a half years, if so great a leader as Moses just shepherded sheep for forty years, if even Jesus just did carpentry for thirty years, before doing anything great, it doesn't seem strange that a really ordinary, perhaps mediocre, man as I should be just doing a job and helping a handful of people for sixty years. Long ago I stopped seeking great things for myself [Jeremiah 45:5]. But I often can't help but wonder if the Lord doesn't use me for anything great simply because I am useless to Him, or too cowardly to attempt anything great, or not really half as gifted as I imagine myself.
This must be what depression feels like. No wonder Elijah suffered from it. Those who do really want to please God will certainly not be accepted by the world. It's lonely. But I may also need to repent. Time to really take stock of my soul.
Am I really committed to Jesus? Absolutely.
Have I un-repented sin in my heart? None that I can think of. I have repented all my sins. I don't mean to say I am sinless; sin tempts me from time to time, and I occasionally slip into greed or lust or pride or covetousness. But I'm clinging to the grace of Jesus and His imputed righteousness through every trial and test. So my soul cries out with Job: "Cause me to understand wherein I have erred." [Job 6:24]
Tests and trials, actually, are what make a Christian spiritual and of great worth, according to James in his Epistle. Here's what he writes in 1:2-8:
2My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Tests of faith make one patient. Patience works perfection in us. So what is mediocre and banal in any man is either growing because he is impatient and unfaithful, or being worked out of him by his faith and patience. I hope I'm not overstating James' meaning. Prayer is also part of the equation, for what I lack---that which makes me of no account---can be supplied by God to those who ask in faith, nothing doubting. Doubt is probably the most abundant ingredient in the truly useless person.
So in what respects am I doubting? I suppose I have a measure of self-doubt---else why would I write such a post as this? I want to go beyond just doing what I'm told or what I've already been doing, and become a risk-taker. I have done a little of that in becoming a post-millenialist, and defending that position. But I think more is at stake than the end times. The here and now is a higher prize. For that I need to take risks.
What risks should a mature Christian take? Planting a new church, now there's a risky business! That may not be what I'm meant to do, but it is what I would like to do. Let me pray, nothing doubting, and see what God will open up!
Lord, you may not have need of yet another church in Charlottesville. But I would do my part to reach the people of this city. Lord, if you have no church for me to serve, save CBC and Woods Edge, then help me give my heart there. Otherwise, open the door and show me the way to go. And if not that, give me the courage to plant a church on the UVA grounds, in the open air if it be thy will, this school year. IJNA
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