Whence flows love for the Lord?

Many times I have wondered why my determination to serve Jesus wanes. Why do I not go more often to the campus? Why have I not once preached, as I feel so strongly led to do, on the streets? Why do I prefer thinking and writing to taking up the cross of going to the hungry ones with his bread?

It is that I don't love the Lord as much as I think. Of the sinful woman in Luke 7:47, Jesus said,

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

The one who really loves Jesus much will serve him lavishly, and cares nothing for the reward he receives for it, or more likely, the criticism. But it does seem that those who start out with more sins receive more forgiveness and love more. Should I sin that grace may increase? Heaven forbid. How can I increase my love for Jesus?

Perhaps I should just reflect on how dreadful a sinner I am, until I realize how much I'm forgiven and then I'll love Jesus more. Obviously such a mechanical thing won't make me love Him more.

Then what can I do? How does one become spiritual? Paul "died every day". Will that do it? I know of no mechanical way to make myself love Jesus more or have more passion in serving him. The only thing I do know is that Jesus gave us the Holy Spirit to make our work for God both possible and fruitful. And the only secret Jesus gave to bearing fruit is "Remain in me." So even if it takes much longer than we would like, and such a long wait does only damage to our ego and grandiose plans and dreams, I must remain in Him, my bridegroom, my Savior, my Lord and Christ.

What can I do, Lord? I just don't know how to muster passion like St. Paul had, or the woman at Simon the Leper's home. Am I destined for mediocrity and passionless Christianity for always? Or is it possible that you have something in store that will truly change me into a servant, a shepherd, a fisher of men, and a Christ bearer to this generation? What should I wait for, Lord? Pour out your Spirit on me, Father, to move me to serve men, to love others, to preach the gospel, and to live every day for Jesus' name's sake, and for your glory. Amen.