Am I happy?

Today my wife told me I am not happy. She thinks this. And as she knows me objectively, I must agree that she is right. But it is not that I am an unhappy person, nor that I have not found happiness in life. It's just a funk.

Even so, the Word says:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

[Phil 4:4] Therefore, to rejoice not is to sin. Being joyful is commanded. For

The joy of the Lord is your strength.

[Nehemiah 8:10] So what have I missed this week, that even my family are sure I am not happy?

Clearly, I have been reading too much Jonathan Edwards. I think his preaching is entirely too strong a medicine for me. Perhaps I need such strong medicine, and must get worse before I get better. But even if there is a great deal of truth in his message, I do not find it to be "full of grace AND truth", at least not yet. Only the cold, hard truth. And that alone cannot make any man truly happy.

So I must leave off Jonathan Edwards for awhile and come back to Jesus himself, for His word gives life, not that of any other man. What bothers me is that, as Edwards constantly teaches, to not live up to the image of God is inexcusable. To fail to pray is hypocrisy. To avoid ones spiritual duty is unrepented sinfulness. I find myself only a failure.

Yet God always used those who failed humanly if only they remained in Him. Remaining IN Jesus is the one and only guaranteed means to bear fruit, not bearing the fruit themselves. I would aim to pray more, prepare and preach more excellently, trust more, bear the fruits of the Spirit, and live a life of self-control and purity. Aim. "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp. Or what's a heaven for?" Surely I cannot reach God's standard, or I am not a fallen sinner, but a Christ to myself. This cannot be. I must only keep on reaching though I fail.

Fail? Yes. It is less sinful to attempt and fail than to never attempt a good work at all. But no matter what I attempt, I must not fail to have the joy of the Lord, for THAT is my strength. He within me is my joy, and only strength. Apart from Him I have no good thing.

Then let me resolve this alone today: I will rejoice in the Lord. Habakkuk 3:17,18 says,

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

What has caused this funk? I think it's just that I cannot have everything I want in life. I cannot live like Adam in Eden. I cannot live like St. Paul. I am not a full-time servant of God, but a lay minister. I am not a great parent nor a good shepherd nor a sacrificial husband. I am just a very ordinary man. But I can go on, aiming for all these, for the glory of God, who promised to bear fruit through me in his own time. Lord, let me remain in Jesus, and in your joy today. Amen.